Friday, August 15, 2014

As I grounded myself with regular meditation, I found that if I looked within the self I did better than if I went out looking for happiness in things outside the self.  If, as is natural in culture of consumer economy, I went looking for experiences in terms of an object looking for enjoyable subjects of experience, I'd be led further away from the self, and so that when I returned to my own little life, got some rest, the next day I would be confused and depressed.  I would take to looking back at a much younger self and think on things that I had done wrong that got me to the state where I am now.  I would be manipulated that much easier by the distractions and events outside my own innate peaceful state, because of the previous day's mistake of looking for satisfaction elsewhere.  Subtle things, no big deal, no great sensuous night at the casinos and the pleasure palaces, but talked into trying to fit in with the main stream, going out for a quiet glass of wine somewhere believing I'd meet kind like-minded people.  (The only place I managed to do that was at my own place of work.)

Conversely, when I stayed in and did yoga and meditated, I became more grounded, less inclined to see the point of the things outside of the self.  And this was most in evidence in the mood the next day, as if this was the natural indicator of how well did I do being in accordance with self.  If I did well just being calm and finding the deep reality of the Universe by looking calmly within and letting outside thoughts and desires fly away, then rather than waking in a fog, I could make out someone on a path, a self-affirming one, one not seeking knowledge without but within.  Those were my own natural tastes, my own sensitivities, much as they might seem somewhat pained.

How not to subscribe to a popular view, take yourself as "a freak," a non-belonging type, the bartender who stays in on a Friday night, anti-social?  Really, you're just trying to take better care of yourself and find, as we all would want, a peace within, even alone and out of synch, or maybe particularly so.

That's, I suppose, where writing came in, as if it served a biological function, to allow that extra layer of self protection, time spent more or less usefully at least by some stretch of the imagination.  Because it's hard enough, a confusing world, and you have to give yourself whatever safeguards you can.

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