I wake up from the dream on my bed, a light blanket over me, my arms folded across my chest, a hand close to the heart.  I have a summer cold, awake earlier hacking a cough, and on my back there is less pressure on the lungs.

In the dream I am struggling to get back ready for college.  Dorm set-ups.  I'm trying to get my class schedule straight and get to class.  This year I want to be a good student.  I want to do the readings and participate.

And she is there along with me in the audience of one of the classes I am trying to take, to not be pulled away by distractions and people who ask favors of me to help them with this and that.

It seems the dream has allowed me to return, to have succeeded in getting there, back to the college life.  And having seen in her in class, now that we all are back, in the dream I am calling her.  I want to tell her that I want so much to be friends with her, that I can be kindly toward her, that this would mean a lot to me.  For I am the vessel of God's Love for her.  That it would be inappropriate to be any other thing, or act not in keeping with that love.  I am hoping we can meet in the dining hall, now early in the school year, to get things right and straight, from the start.  Yes.

And then I wake up.  With all the foolish actions stuck in my own history, who knows why we put on such acts, egotistically...

I have failed.  Failed to be the vessel of God's love for her.  Failed as a student.  Failed to be a good person, why?  I have been false.  Diverted.


Life is the result of those failings, of those actions, of whatever rebellion...  You cannot go back and correct it all.  All the acts you put on, who knows why, the drinking...