Bravery

But mental health, as far as acting along with the masses and big tech, is not an easy thing.  It's hard for a gloom, a slow burning panic, not to arise, to see that one has obediently kept up showing up for work, but without any plan at all, no vision at how to arrive at a steady place with solid footing, set-up for old age, or at least a monastery of some sort...

A dream of eating in the dining hall, taking advantage of the last offerings, but then, having to swim across big wave ocean to cross the courtyard back to class...  Why are my inner dilemmas cast so

A sense, of ever being dragged along, not doing something in accordance with the will, but for the writing.  Writing the personal art, betraying the individual quality of the being, unable to meet any standard but one's own, a necessary part of the miracle of making it through the day.  Hiding one's neuroses in a jar.

But a shower, and off to meet an old girlfriend at a museum.  And the strength earlier, the first day off, to go see the doctor about the jaw, the sore bite of Januarys.

Writings the way to clear the fog, to shoot a bullet through the cloud of panic and unease.  In the end you like your neurosis, it's all you have, an heirloom of mankind as he once stood, long long ago.

Write without thinking, let the gut command.  Vigilantly looking in the fridge, keeping up the stock of animal protein, always in need of what to eat.  Sausages, roast beef, sliced turkey, ground bison, a duck breast still with time.  Fresh green tea, enough to start the engine of the mind, the pills prescribed, and all the other nostrums, turmeric, cayenne, ginger.  Immodium.

Man is an earthy vessel, full of liquids, a need to calm them all, the inner tempest blowing at one's ship.

The cat fights off a stranger with her show, but less agile am I, full of groans and grumpiness.  How not to make an asshole out of yourself.

Ted Hughes should have said, everyone is a poet.  Maybe he did.

Put on a Scottish blazer, a decent shirt, Brooks Brothers, blue with burgundy stripe, and off to a museum to meet, a side of myself I rarely get to see.  She is a Virgo.